Welcome to the Owner's Enclosure

Captain Sensible is currently Chairman and CEO of Nipple Cream Industries (NCI), the company that brought you original Nipple Cream and new improved Spearmint Nipple Cream.

The second of NCI's outrageously successful products, developed in conjunction with the Ministeries of the Reverend Greenwood and launched in 2005 after extensive testing, B!tch Fighting Oil is certain to liven up any party. No other oil is as slippery or as glissening. Moisturises too! If you can hold a double chickenwing camel clutch for more than five seconds then I'll give you your money back.

Nipple Cream Industries' technicians never stop toiling in pursuit of the highest quality products. Their very latest consumer offering, Baptist Juice, is a guaranteed haemorrhoid cure, skin softener and high protein drink all in one handy tube. Don't leave home without it! I did once but that's another story.

NCI are pleased to announce a great new joint venture with Ostend Microbreweries. Early results of their collaboration has produced the CAMRA-approved "Wife Beater". It does exactly what is says on the tin.

The last 18 months have certainly been very productive. Just to recap on what NCI have achieved so far, our product catalogue is reproduced in full:

1. Nipple Cream

2. Spearmint Nipple Cream

3. B!tch Fighting Oil

4. Wife Beater

5. Chafe Accelerator

6. Choad Wax

7. Baptist Juice

8. East-Facing X-Rays

9. Double Secret Monkey Frightener

10. Karaoke Ringtones (not strictly one of ours, but we were caught in a trap and there was no way out)

"Quick, find me a donkey - I feel a punch coming on"
The Taipei Torpedo

"I thought I'd seen it all until I tried B!tch Fighting Oil"
J. Fox of London

"Baptist Juice saved my life!"
G. Baker of Essex

"You're a disgusting pervert"
N. Stamp of Leeds

"Where's my twenty grand?"
Rev. Greenwood of Herts

"What happens on Wednesdays?"
Flange McTavish

"I recently purchased a tube of Chafe Accelerator and now I'm in casualty. Great stuff NCI!"
Robbed Cockerel